by Kristen Berglund, Licensed Professional Counselor and Mom
The holiday season is upon us, and we are quickly approaching gatherings with friends and family. The most wonderful time of the year, right?
Yes. No. Maybe. If you are LGBTQ+, you may be dreading the holidays. If you have a child or loved one who is LGBTQ+, you may be wondering how best to support them during this time. First, some sobering statistics:
- A study by the CDC showed an increase in depressive symptoms among 64 percent of the population already reporting a mental health condition and 38 percent among the general population during the holiday season.
- The Trevor Project’s 2024 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health found that more than half of LGBTQ+ young people reported experiencing recent symptoms of depression, including almost 60% of transgender and nonbinary young people.
- 90% of LGBTQ+ young people said their well-being was negatively impacted due to recent politics. (Trevor Project, 2024)
Ok, enough of the scary stuff. Let’s talk about what YOU can do to help your loved one. First, some general advice:
- Talk about expectations with your loved one. Discuss who may be at the event and how safe your loved one feels with each. Ask about what you can share with others and what names/pronouns they would like you to use. Let them know that they don’t have to answer awkward questions or educate the family about being LGBTQ+. Ask what they need from you.
- Talk about expectations with family and friends. Let them know what name/pronouns to use (if okay with your loved one). Discuss topics that you prefer they avoid, such as politics. Tell them about your comfort level with questions about and to your loved one. Set clear boundaries.
- Respect where your loved one is in their process. While you are “in the know,” extended family members or friends may not be. NEVER out someone without their permission. Yes, it may be hard to juggle names and pronouns that you are still adjusting to, but you can do it! Plan for potential questions about your loved one’s gender expression. And keep in mind that a holiday gathering may not be the best time or place for your loved one to come out, if they are considering that.
- Host a holiday at your (and/or your loved one’s) house. That way you can edit the guest list and set the tone for the gathering (and avoid having something upsetting on the TV).
- Invite a “buffer” person. This is a trusted ally who will keep everyone on their best behavior. Even if you are not hosting the event, you can enlist a family member to help keep things light and change the subject when necessary.
- Run interference (or let your ally help). Stay near your loved one (with their permission) to make sure that they don’t get stuck in a tough spot. It can help to agree on a signal (pull your ear, say a word) if they need to be “rescued,” either from a conversation or the whole situation.
- Think about putting away old photos or decorations. For some trans people, seeing their dead name or photos of them expressing the wrong gender can cause dysphoria. Get a stocking or ornament with their new name. Ask them what they want.
For those of you who have teen or adult loved ones:
- Give them an “out” of holiday gatherings, whether that is a plan to leave early or just stay home and celebrate in a smaller way.
- Let them be with their “chosen family” without guilt. If they can’t bring themselves to go to Grandma’s house in the rural South and prefer to hang with friends, it’s okay.
- Follow up with them after the holiday season. Many people struggle with post-holiday depression, and it could be worse if they’ve been misgendered or overheard negativity from the people that they love. Make sure they are okay.
Finally, practice self-compassion. Worrying about your loved one can be extremely stressful, and you are doing the best that you can. Limit alcohol and drugs, exercise, eat well and talk to friends or a therapist. Take care of YOU.